Welcome to the Void
When I left the Witnesses, the first thing I did was trash their off-the-rack, one-size-fits-all system of beliefs like it was on fire.
The second thing I did was ask myself, “Now what?”
Regardless of how ill-fitted those clothes stitched together in a New York boardroom were, I still felt naked without them.
This is exactly why you find exJWs freshly (or not-so-freshly) awake, wandering around looking a little dazed, polling other exJWs on what to believe in now.
This is what I call the Void: that vast, dark, empty space between knowing everything and knowing nothing.
Alexandra Stein, who spent ten years in a political cult, described it cl:
I felt that by having left the cult, I had thrown myself into a vast empty space. It was an absolutely primal kind of terror.
Alexandra Stein, “Troubles Overcome Are Good to Tell,” in Janja Lalich & Madeleine Tobias, Take Back Your Life (2nd ed., 2006), p. 229
It doesn’t last forever, but it sure feels like it will.
The First Question Everybody Asks: Is God Real?
You’ll find exJWs all over the map on this one. Some remain believers, and some very vocally don’t. It depends on how long and hard they deconstruct, if they deconstruct at all.
But if you seriously examine any religious system, you’ll have to reconcile the conflicts, logical inconsistencies and moral dilemmas inherent in all of them. People have been asking how God could allow evil to exist since people have existed.
I tried to sidestep the question. For years, the faintest whiff of organized religion left me feeling angry and sick to my stomach. Eventually I got over my personal crap with religion and decided not all religion is toxic for all people.
Really, the only thing consistent about my beliefs since leaving is that they weren’t.
At first, I was angry. If there was a God, I was mad at him! For a while, I considered myself agnostic, then atheist, then agnostic again, then it-doesn’t-matter. If you cannot change your beliefs when you get new information, how useful are they?
The question feels urgent, though, because JWs constantly hear some version of the question: “If not this, then what?”
That question presumes there is one and only one correct answer, and that you must find it before you’re allowed to discard what doesn’t hold up. That makes no sense.
Giving Yourself Permission (to Be Honest)
I knew I wanted to leave, but I wasn’t sure how big of a mess it would make. So I asked for a sign. Not to decide for me, only reassurance everything was going to be okay.
Not long after, I was flipping through a bound volume of The Watchtower when a heading practically leaped out at me about the dangers of independent thinking. That’s when I knew.
I did not have any idea what I believed in that moment. But I knew I wasn’t willing to sign on to any belief system that forbade me from thinking for myself.
You could say it was a sign from God, or the Universe, or my own subconscious. To me, it doesn’t matter where the answer comes from. It matters that the answer is right.
IT’S OKAY NOT TO KNOW. It kind of has to be, because you cannot know, not for sure. So not knowing is the only honest starting point any of us has. As people leaving a cult know all too well, the level of certainty does not equal the degree of truth.
This is built into the definition of the word “faith”: believing what cannot be proven. Without room for doubt, faith cannot exist. Without doubt, you’re describing facts. Facts are verifiable, replicable. A fact in my living room is just as much of a fact in yours.
Beliefs are not falsifiable. That’s what a “personal conviction” IS. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s much better to know which is which than mistake convictions for unalterable reality. I grew up with people that didn’t know the difference; that’s why they shun me now.
Starting From the Ground Up
Rather than trying to stumble upon a cheat sheet for reality, I opted to start at ground zero. I call this DIY Spirituality.
I knew I wanted to be a good person. So I asked myself, what does that even look like?
I began with basic concepts like being honest, living with integrity, and always having good intentions. I did not need external punishment or reward for this.
I figured any God worth his salt would care more about me doing my best than accidentally guessing the “right” religion, following a long list of rules, or slavishly reminding him how wonderful he was 397 times a day.
So God or no-God was really a moot point.
Morality for its own sake–just because it’s right–is far more pure than second-hand morality performed out of fear. And if living true to my best version of right is not enough for God, then he is not enough for me.
Why This Is So Damn Hard to Face
Even asking these questions brings up massive anxiety for people leaving a cult. You’ve been told you’re simply too incompetent to be trusted with autonomy, and that disobedience meant death.
Your “spiritual food” came in one flavor, pre-chewed. You were fed an endless grocery list of reasons why you aren’t good enough to decide for yourself, all while telling yourself it was safer to outsource your soul to the people who knew more about it than you. And how you felt about it was immaterial.
We should eat and digest and assimilate what is set before us, without shying away from parts of the food because it may not suit the fancy of our mental taste. […] Theocratic ones will appreciate the Lord’s visible organization and not be so foolish as to pit against Jehovah’s channel their own human reasoning and sentiment and personal feelings.
The Watchtower, February 1, 1952, “Jehovah’s Theocratic Organization Today,” par. 11
You’ve also been led to believe you can either eat what the cult is serving, or you will starve. There is no logical basis for this: it’s cult programming at its core. The group cannot call “dibs” on every single belief, concept of afterlife, or definition of spirituality.
If you believe in a loving, caring God, then being aligned with God would not feel like crap, right? If you’re in a relationship where you are forever told you are not good enough, you need to constantly prove your love, and it leaves you feeling worthless, confused or crazy, you might suspect it’s not a healthy relationship. You’d be right.
A good relationship feels like love. That’s what you’re looking for, if you decide to pursue that relationship at all.
What to Be Wary Of
The Void is a vulnerable place. It’s lonely and dark, and it’s where people are at highest risk of going back to the cult, handing over the keys of their autonomy to the next smooth-talker who tries to snag them, or becoming self-destructive, either from guilt or cluelessness.
The best advice I can give anybody getting out: get therapy. I’ve yet to meet an ex who couldn’t use it, including myself. And if you’re in crisis, get help.
I did what some do and fell into the be-the-opposite trap. I was bound and determined to do everything to NOT be like the JWs!! I hated being judged, so I wasn’t going to judge anybody else (even on the basis of whether or not they were sane or healthy to be around). JWs were against it, I was for it! I began using it as a reverse barometer.
After a while, I realized that this approach felt empty to me: I was being just as controlled by the JWs as when I was in it.
Now, the people preaching to exJWs are “trying to help.” Some are exJWs who have found their own version of the answer. Some are ministries aimed at exJWs specifically. Some are concerned loved ones with strong opinions of their own. All of them are people who don’t know the difference between belief and fact. Their goal isn’t to support you in finding your own answer; it’s to influence you into accepting THEIR answer.
JWs are “trying to help,” too, when they corner that coworker whose mother just died to hand them a tract on resurrection. Seeking out struggling people to hand them your answer is the same move, however kindly it’s meant.
Also be suspicious of gurus, seminars or programs promising “the secrets” to a good life. It’s too easy to leave one cult for another in the hopes of getting it right this time.
You don’t owe their beliefs your respect, either. Some beliefs don’t deserve it. I don’t respect what the WT teaches. And it’s my full expectation that anyone who honestly researches WT teachings outside the WT bubble will not come out a believer.
So How Do You Get Out of the Void?
It’s a process, not an event. I stopped looking for “the Truth” and instead started looking for MY truth.
I mean, if you stumble upon the perfect fit somewhere, good for you! But enhancing your life because you’ve found ideas that make your heart full is different than looking for something to fill a cult-sized hole in your life.
You’re on the rebound, spiritually. So instead of trying to skip past the processing part by finding a quick replacement, maybe spend a little time single first. Figure out what YOU want. Who YOU are. Date around a minute.
Any belief isn’t yours until it clicks, you feel it in your heart, and it resonates with your personal convictions. Until then, it’s borrowed.
So explore. I suggest starting with academic and historical context, not religious interpretation. (I love the Yale Bible lectures on YouTube for this.) Because who needs another middleman?
Make it a buffet and pick the ideas that work for you. It’s safe to explore and experiment. Nothing bad happens when you think unsanctioned thoughts.
Offering is different from being pushed. Asking is different from being hunted. An open exchange is different from a set agenda. And the freedom to take what fits for you and leave the rest is different than being pressured to accept it all as the one-and-only answer. Anybody who is trying to control you is NOT your friend.
What You Get to Keep
Once you’ve found some beliefs that fit, wear them a while. The danger isn’t picking the wrong beliefs–it’s accepting ones that aren’t authentically yours.
And the reward for this–besides existential peace, we hope–is that these beliefs actually belong to you. Nobody can change them or take them away from you. Nobody can ever hold them over your head or beat you up with them again.
Your own peace is the test. If it feels like love, keep it. If it feels like fear, it’s not yours.
You WILL find your peace, you know. A little bit each day. Sending you love and good vibes as you find your way back to the person you really want to be. ♥