You’re out. Life has finally slowed down enough for it to sink in. The few “worldly” friends you’ve made are great—kind, curious, and trying—but they just can’t fully get it without the same background.
You want to feel understood and validated. You don’t want to feel like the crazy one anymore.
So you may find yourself considering reconnecting with one or more former JWs you know are now out. Maybe you always liked them, or maybe you once felt close. But right now, you’re thinking, “They’re the only ones who will really understand this.”
Is that a good idea? And if so, how do you do it in a way that’s kind and doesn’t retrigger old trauma for them—or for you?
Points to Consider Before Attempting a Reconnection
What did the relationship look like when you last interacted?
Reconnecting with someone you were close to is different than reaching out to someone you barely knew. How gracefully (or not) you handled their exit—and especially what you said or did while they were leaving—is going to be front and center in their mind as soon as they see your name pop up.
Did you guilt-trip, shame, or get angry? Did you shun them directly? Even though you’re not in the same place now, the relationship is still going to be sitting where you last left it, and that baggage will factor into how much there is to work through from the start.
What are your expectations?
We’re assuming you actually liked this person and are genuinely interested in how they’re doing as one of the main reasons for reaching out. But be honest with yourself about what you’re hoping to get out of this.
Are you hoping they’ll help resolve your trauma, cure your loneliness, and reassure you it’s going to be okay? Are you looking for ongoing emotional support with the exit process? Are you seeking absolution, relief from guilt over how you treated them or others when you were fully indoctrinated?
Most importantly, are you okay with the possibility that they may not want to talk to you at all? Whatever the reason, are you prepared to accept a “no” (or silence) without taking it as a personal attack or spiraling?
Take an honest look at how stable you feel before you hit send. You don’t have to be “healed”—that’s a process, not an event—but not being in active crisis helps.
If You are Struggling Hard
It’s normal to struggle when you get out, sometimes for what seems like a long time. But if you’re looking to reconnect primarily as a way to deal with your own issues, that’s a lot of burden to put on the other person.
Contact with another cult survivor can be incredibly healing, but it has to be something all parties want and are up for. It’s not fair to dump your trauma in someone else’s lap without their consent. They may not be up to it emotionally, and even if they are, they can still validly choose not to be your on-call exit counselor. Many can and will be incredibly supportive, but nobody owes it.
If you are spiraling, suicidal, seriously anxious or depressed—in short, if you are having trouble functioning—reconnecting is not where you begin crisis intervention. You owe it to both yourself and the other person to address your most pressing needs independently of reconnection.
Get help from a qualified mental health professional. Someone who understands cult dynamics is ideal, but some therapy is almost always better than no therapy. Any competent, trauma-informed therapist who understands narcissistic abuse should be able to help you get started.
Hint: If you cannot discuss your own exit without it turning into a full-blown trauma dump, you’re not ready. Once you’re more stable, and feel strong enough to tolerate whatever response you get, reaching out can be a positive experience for everyone involved. If you cannot gracefully handle anything less than ideal, it’s not the time to do this.
And realize this assessment goes both ways. The other person needs to be in a reasonably stable place too. You’re not looking to rescue anyone, and you’re not auditioning to be rescued. You’re shooting for the zone of healthy, mutually supportive friendship.
Tips for How to Approach Reconnecting
Be direct and upfront.
A coy “How are you doing?” or “I was just thinking of you…” may feel safer to you, less likely to get rejected. But for most exJWs, an ambiguous message from a known JW is a stress bomb, not a warm fuzzy. They’ve learned they can’t trust JWs to reach out without an agenda, so their first question is normally going to be, “What do you really want?”
Leading with the point helps: “I left the org six months ago and I’ve been thinking about you lately” makes your status and intentions clear from the start.
Is an apology in order?
If you feel it’s appropriate to apologize, do it now. Don’t justify your behavior; they already know why you did what you did. Don’t beg or expect them to forgive you if you’ve wronged them; that’s a personal choice, and it’s meaningless if done under pressure.
Many, if not most, will readily forgive—but it’s not your right to ask for it in a way that makes the conversation about relieving your guilt instead of honestly acknowledging harm without any strings attached.
While it’s not their job to make you feel better, most will. We all did things when we were in that we now regret, so we all get it. But part of the healing process is learning to make peace with our mistakes so we can move forward.
Hope, but not expectations.
Obviously, you’re hoping to reconnect. That’s the point. But make it easy for them to say yes, no, or nothing at all, without pressure. You cannot make that choice for them. What you can do is leave the door open if they want to come through it, share your goodwill, and let their response be whatever it is with grace.
So What Do You Say When Reaching Out?
Keep your initial message simple, honest, and heartfelt. Disclose your exit early on, maybe mentioning when you left, and offer any direct apologies you feel are appropriate.
Even if you have no specific reason to apologize, validating their experience can be powerful. As someone out many, many years, I can tell you something you almost never hear from anyone who really knows: “I’m sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. I respect the courage it took you to leave.” Feeling seen is incredibly powerful.
You can let them know you’re doing well (if you are) and that you’d love to talk if they’re interested. Wish them well, but then let it go. Whatever follows is up to them.
What Can You Realistically Expect?
Many exJWs are thrilled to hear when others have broken free and will be happy to reconnect. Others may not be. Some may respond but remain guarded and surface-level for a while. It all depends on where they are at.
Leaving the JWs is intensely painful and traumatic, and for some, anything that reminds them of that time is triggering. Others are doing well and genuinely happy to discuss your former life with someone who likewise gets it.
But do resist the urge to make it all cult talk, all the time. You might end up talking about your experiences a lot, but if it’s the only thing you’re ever talking about, it can become a crutch that replaces personal emotional work and gets in the way of developing a deeper relationship based on more than exJW status.
Also be aware that someone being an exJW doesn’t automatically make them a stellar human being. You may find that someone you thought was nice—or didn’t know that well—on the inside is someone you realize you don’t want to know too well on the outside.
There can be a number of reasons you decide it’s not the best idea once you start, so be ready to gauge if it’s healthy for you both to grow closer. Being an exJW is not enough to base an entire friendship on; you cannot decide who is healthy to be around by group membership alone.
But as long as your message is kind and handled with sensitivity, you aren’t likely to do harm, and you may have provided some healing words in addition to opening the door for a fresh start.
If you act with love in your heart, you’ll not go far wrong. Good luck!
