Starting Over, Alone?
There’s a reason shunning is one of the defining factors of a cult. Shunning, combined with social isolation, makes it much, much harder to ‘just leave.’
Losing not just family but your entire social circle is beyond destabilizing and traumatic. It’s designed to break you, to terrify and depress you, and ultimately to send you running back, reinforcing the cult’s claim of exclusive access to the “best life ever.”
In so many ways, we’re set up to fail on the outside. But we don’t have to! Building a life on the outside, complete with unconditional relationships, is not only possible but well worth the effort.
Unlearning Old Norms
Once free, the real challenge in creating a new social circle lies in redefining how we interact with the world. Making friends in the real world means unlearning the social rules we grew up with. Inside, we couldn’t be ourselves—we had to measure even the smallest word or act against what was “spiritual enough.” Those few areas that weren’t explicitly controlled became potential ‘stumbling blocks’ for others, essentially giving the cult a blank check to micromanage every aspect of thought and behavior.
Snitch culture, expectations that any and all decisions were subject to approval or denial under the guise of ‘concern,’ and the constant threat of punishment changed how we communicate. We learned to live without normal, healthy boundaries. Add the odd in-group culture, customs, and vocabulary, and we didn’t even get a chance to understand what “normal” looks like.
Worse, we learned to fear outsiders, those “worldly people” who were controlled by Satan and would only use and abuse us. We may carry an attitude of superiority and see ‘worldly people’ as less than, untrustworthy, or inherently abusive as a result.
So, when we first escape, it can feel like we don’t have the skills—because we literally don’t. But the good news? Any of us can overcome these challenges, and the necessary skills aren’t as hard to master as they may initially seem.
Stop Trying So Hard
The first step to making friends, ironically, is to stop trying so hard to make friends. Adjusting your approach to relationships is key to overcoming these ingrained challenges. Forget the “faux friendships” we had inside—in which you had to ‘like’ everyone, whether you liked them or not.
Think of making friends in the real world as recreational. Aim for pleasant interactions in and of themselves. Overthinking became a survival skill ingrained by necessity in exJWs, but it doesn’t serve us now. Genuine connections grow from relaxed, authentic moments. Allow for the idea that some people will like you and some won’t (and nothing terrible happens if they don’t). It feels strange at first, but that’s how people in the real world find their tribe—by showing up as themselves, unapologetically.
Being Your Authentic Self
When you allow yourself to be authentic, you unlock these benefits:
- You relax: Without the pressure to be judged acceptable, interactions feel more natural. People connect with the real you, not a performance art version.
- You’re present: No excessive self-monitoring means you’re fully engaged in the interaction at hand.
- You attract the right people: Authenticity draws those who genuinely enjoy your energy—and that’s where unconditional relationships begin.
But first, you have to show up as yourself. You stop asking, “What will they think?” and start asking, “What do I think?” That’s what matters. It’s scary at first, but it works.
Go Where There are People
To make friends, you must interact with other humans. There’s no getting around it. This can be an intimidating process as a socially awkward adult, but the right circumstances can make it easier.
People You Already Know: Consider reconnecting with non-JW family, coworkers, or even people from school who you liked but couldn’t get to know better because they were too ‘worldly.’ Instead of fixating on the missed opportunities, give yourself permission to revisit the potential. These folks may welcome the chance to become closer now, just as much as you do.
Shared Interests and Activities: Explore hobbies and groups like book clubs, crafting circles, or hiking meetups, where a topical focus makes it feel more natural to strike up conversations. Community events and classes provide structured and consistent opportunities to interact. Platforms like Meetup.com list gatherings catering to a huge variety of interests, offering a low-pressure way to mingle.
Volunteering: Working together for a shared cause naturally builds camaraderie over time. Bonus: Kind people are often the ones freely offering their efforts to make the world better. Research shows that volunteering fosters a sense of belonging and boosts mental health, while repeated contact can turn shared activities into meaningful relationships. This gradual, organic process can help you connect while contributing to causes you care about. Everybody wins!
Non-Denominational Churches or Spiritual Groups: For those seeking both community and a sense of shared values, these groups offer a chance to connect without pressure. If you’re a believer (or unsure of your belief status but miss a sense of spiritual community), non-denominational churches like Unitarian Universalists can provide a gentler landing spot. These spaces focus on positive ideals like kindness and love outside reliance on a particular belief system, creating a welcoming environment that feels approachable without the pressure to “spiritually progress” or conform to a specific ideology.
Small Talk Isn’t Small
Small talk might seem trivial, but it’s how all friendships begin. Friendly chitchat builds confidence and helps ease into interactions that can grow deeper over time. Even if the interactions don’t lead to friendship, these moments matter—they build habits and make all social interactions feel more natural. And some will take root.
Build Trust Gradually
Friendships deepen through mutual vulnerability, so sharing about yourself does make you feel closer to someone. But healthy sharing doesn’t start with trauma dumping. Start with small personal details, wait for others to share similarly, and allow that feeling of trust and (eventually) intimacy to develop on its own.
Make Time and Keep Showing Up
Consistency matters. Join groups, attend regularly, and establish simple routines like meeting for coffee, attending a study group, or showing up for recurring meetups. Familiar faces become friends over time.
Take the First Step
Many people hesitate to make the first move because they fear rejection. Often, people wait for someone else to reach out. A simple “Want to hang out sometime?” or “Want to grab a coffee?” after a pleasant interaction can become the start of something much bigger.
Embrace Rejection as Part of the Process
Not everyone will vibe with you—and that’s okay. Treat each interaction as practice, not an audition. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not failure; it’s clarity. Every experience helps build your confidence and refine your sense of who you are and who you want in your life.
Follow the Joy
Joy is magnetic. Do what lights you up and stop hiding it, and you’ll attract people who want to be around that uplifting energy. But don’t pretend. Lean into what legitimately brings you happiness, and you’ll become appealing to others who appreciate you honest light.
It gets easier. One step, one risk, one conversation at a time—that’s how it happens. You can do this! And you will. Just give yourself the chance.
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