Maybe you’ve known for a long time, or maybe you’ve just recently realized “The Truth” isn’t. Whatever got you here, you’ve decided you don’t want to spend your life on the JW Hamster Wheel. Congratulations! You’re making a good choice.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. And while the process is hard, there are ways to make it a little easier.
If you’ve never lived on your own, figuring out where to start can feel overwhelming. Leaving home for the first time is scary for anybody. But when you add the possibility of losing everyone close to you at the same time, it’s next-level terrifying. It’s a lot, and you won’t have the kind of safety net most people can count on.
Some will even be rooting for you to fail—whether they openly admit it or not. You’re not likely to get the emotional support or encouragement worldly families offer: no housewarming gifts, no spare furniture from a friendly aunt. It sucks. But being well prepared can make your landing much softer.
Here are things to consider in your planning.
Take your Time
Armageddon ain’t coming. What you’re doing is hard and scary, and it’s worth taking the time to think things through. The choices you make now can have a big impact on how easy—or hard—things will be later. There’s no perfect way to do this, but being well-prepared can minimize the inevitable pain and loss and smooth your path forward.
Resist the Urge to Share
As you start researching, you’ll feel outraged, shocked, even driven to wake others up. It’s a deep rabbit hole, and the emotions can be intense. But this rarely goes well. Sharing too soon can turn your carefully laid plans into a crisis. Even if you feel close to someone, you don’t know how they’ll react until they’re faced with your questioning. This doesn’t mean you won’t ever share—but waiting until you are safely out is the smart move if you can.
Protect Yourself
Do what you need to do to get your needs met. If that means going through the motions and living a lie for a while, that’s okay. Some take a stand while still living at home, but that approach is risky. There’s no shame in protecting yourself as you work toward a better situation. Just know that the “physically in, mentally out” (PIMO) lifestyle is hard to maintain long-term, and it can take a toll on your mental health if it drags on too long.
Avoid Baptism
If you haven’t been baptized yet, take the heat for refusing. It’s worth it. Baptism increases the likelihood—and severity—of shunning. Even if you’re being pressured, getting baptized doesn’t solve anything; it just moves the goalposts and makes you eligible for bigger demands. If you’re already baptized, it’s not the end of the world, but avoiding it altogether can save you a lot of grief and make the difference between being shunned and having connections after you leave.
Plan on Therapy
Seek professional mental health support as soon as you can. Wherever you are in the process, therapy is invaluable. The organization is a narcissistic, toxic environment, and waking up from it is often traumatic, along with the grief and complexity of navigating the fallout of leaving. Community mental health centers, schools, colleges, or crisis lines can help connect you with free or low-cost resources. Therapy doesn’t fix everything, but it can make a huge difference.
Build Independence
Make sure you can drive, have a job, and save some money. Practical experience—like managing your own medical care, filing taxes, or handling business calls—can boost your confidence and independence. Every little bit of self-sufficiency makes leaving easier. If you manage most of your own affairs, it’s also easier to prepare for leaving without alerting your family that’s what you’re doing.
Create an Emotional Support System
You won’t be able to count on your JW family and social circle when you leave, so it’s crucial to start connecting with “worldly people” before, during and after you leave. School friends, non-JW relatives, coworkers, or even online buddies can provide reassurance, emotional support, and practical advice when you need it most. Even if you have to be discreet, building these relationships now will make a world of difference when you get out.
Plan for What’s Next
What do you want to do after you leave? College? Living with a partner? Having your own space? Research what it takes to make those goals a reality. If you’re unsure of what you want, that’s okay, too. Start exploring possibilities and daydreaming about the future you’d like to have. Because you’re going to feel a little lost when you first get out. You need to have some idea of where to look first.
Know Your Resources
There are people and organizations out there to help—you just need to know where to look. Guidance counselors or financial aid officers can help you find scholarships, grants, or work-study programs for college. Employment offices can assist with creating a resume, finding job opportunities, and offering advice on interviews or workplace skills. Local nonprofits or social services departments may provide access to housing assistance, food programs, or other resources to help you get on your feet. Crisis lines can connect you with immediate support or direct you to organizations offering free or low-cost counseling. Don’t hesitate to share your situation with people in these helping roles. They’re literally there to help, and they often know about resources you might not have considered.
Have a Backup Plan
Sometimes your exit doesn’t go as planned. A conflict that gets heated or a slip-up in your double life can blow things up before you are ready to leave. Having an emergency plan—a friend’s couch to crash on, a family member who’s left the JWs, even a list of local emergency resources if things get bad—can lower stress and be a lifesaver if things go south suddenly.
Protect Your Mental Health
The PIMO life is tough. Stepping back from JW activities, even slightly, can help. Some people resign from Ministerial Servant roles, take breaks from ministry school, cut down on service or attend fewer meetings. These small steps can provide relief, but they come with risks. Tiredness, stress or anxiety can sometime provide plausible ‘reasons’ for backing down. Balance these choices carefully with the potential for suspicions of JW family members, but slow down where you can. And if you’re in crisis, please get help!
Don’t Internalize the Guilt
The guilt trips are manipulative, whether it’s conscious or not. Wanting to live your life isn’t wrong—it’s normal and healthy. Watchtower breaks relationships, not you. While your family will likely be upset, remember that you are only asking for what they require for themselves: the right to live true to your own beliefs. It’s not wrong to want to choose your own life.
Stay Free in Your Head
Even if your body feels stuck right now, your mind doesn’t have to be. Making plans—like creating online wish lists, budgeting for your future, or imagining your first birthdays and Christmases—can make your goals feel more real. Music, books, and movies can provide temporary escape and inspiration, while creative pursuits like writing or artwork can help you process your emotions. Small physical objects—like a secret token or symbol—can serve as reminders of your truth, your journey, and the brighter future you’re working toward. Do whatever helps keep your freedom alive in your head.
Leaving is messy, painful, and rarely goes as planned. But you don’t have to be perfect—just keep moving forward and let that be enough. You’ll have doubts and moments of fear, and you might ask yourself, “What if I’m making a mistake, and they’re right?” That’s normal. But deep down, you already know the truth: they’re not right.
When you’re building your new life, remember: trust isn’t about group membership. There are JWs who are kind and genuine, and there are JWs who are manipulative or harmful. The same is true for “worldly” people. Group designations don’t determine character.
Pay attention to how individuals treat you—especially your boundaries. People who respect your boundaries are the ones most likely to be trustworthy. Watch for red flags, and don’t ignore them, no matter where they come from. Healthy relationships are about mutual care and respect. If you’re not feeling that, it’s not a good choice.
You’re about to do something incredibly brave, and that takes strength and integrity. Freedom isn’t easy, and it doesn’t come cheap—but it’s worth everything.
Rooting for you. Much love.
