Every now and then, someone asks why ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses seem so bitter. So wounded. So angry.
Maybe they studied at some point, or have a very sweet JW auntie. Maybe they managed to fade quietly and still get invited to family dinners. Or maybe they’re still in, but they’ve started noticing the cracks—and they’re starting to research.
They run across some ‘angry apostates’ and bristle at the intensity. It’s just what the organization said! Angry, bitter apostates.
People may want a voice that feels calmer and more balanced—something that reflects the love they feel for the people inside, or the fact that they still identify with the Witnesses. Something that doesn’t feel quite so…radioactive.
“Why are all these exJWs so angry? They sound crazy. Isn’t there a more reasonable way to talk about all this?”
So let’s talk about it. Reasonably, but honestly.
Not Everyone Gets Out Clean
If you were never baptized, or you quietly eased off the theocratic hamster wheel to fade, or you’re still undecided, you aren’t going to be familiar with full scope of the system and everything that goes down in the back room of the Kingdom Hall. Even if you had a dramatic exit yourself, your status in the congregation as well as the status of your family can significantly impact your exit experience.
You might not have seen the darkest sides of the organization. The dirty laundry isn’t aired from the platform. But many of us have.
So when we talk about it—bluntly, honestly, with an entirely justifiable emotional reaction—we’re called bitter. Rageful. ‘Mentally diseased.’ To be dismissed, yet again, reactions to trauma cited as more evidence of personal failing. (The initial evidence is wanting to leave.)
You might even feel that tug yourself. That slight flinch of repulsion when someone expresses something raw or furious arrives unbidden. You may want to understand—but mostly you want to not become that.
Nobody does, frankly. It’s not fun. But there is a reason for it.
Why So Many ExJWs Sound Angry
It’s not because we “hate Jehovah” or can’t “let it go and get on with our lives.” It’s a part of processing what we’ve been through.
Psychologist and cult expert Margaret Singer wrote:
“The emergence of anger is one of the first signs of recovery. Anger is a normal reaction to the hurts and assaults you experienced….Just as fear is the backbone of cultic control, anger is the fuel of recovery. Anger is an extremely valuable tool in healing. It fortifies your sense of what is right by condemning the wrong that was done to you. It gives you the energy and will to get through the ordeal of getting your life back together.”
—Take Back Your Life, p. 144
People sometimes prefer exJW voices that are “more calm.” That’s understandable. Softer voices are often more palatable, especially for someone freshly questioning. But calm doesn’t mean correct. And rage doesn’t mean wrong.
Sometimes, the fire IS the truth.
If You’re Questioning
You don’t have to like every exJW voice you hear. That’s the beauty of life on the outside! You choose. Some of us are gentle. Some are blunt. Some are both. Some don’t have it in us to be mild-mannered about it all anymore. But you pick the voices that speak to you.
And maybe—just maybe—somewhere down the line, you’ll be able to look back and understand why the people who saw it before you did might feel they way they do.
That doesn’t make us unstable. It makes us survivors, doing the best we can to honor our experience. Not because we’re broken. Because we were betrayed, discarded, and then told our pain is proof we deserved it.
We didn’t. (Nobody does.)
I totally get that anger is appropriate, for a while . Psychologically healthy progression can be seen as a series of stages ie the grieving process. In the end, however, the healing process requires us to “let go” of what was in order to embrace what is.
I tend to get tangled up in my thoughts, sorry! I’m on the asperger’s spectrum..,
Spiritual and emotional maturity requires forgiveness to make progress. At some point we’ll need to learn how we free ourselves by loving others as they are. You know the saying about drinking poison and waiting for your oppressor to die..,
So, in some imaginary ‘best of all possible worlds’ we all do what is best for ourselves and others by loving unconditionally- first ourselves and then all others.
In this imaginary world we, the awakened , return to the lost ones, jdubs, and gently lead them to paradise.
Really, all it would take is an exit strategy into that ‘best world.’ Dissolving the present and entering the future.
Yes I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one “ john lennon
I appreciate your thoughtfulness, even when I’ve reached a different conclusion.
Anger and obsession are not synonymous. Anger is an emotion, distinct from behavior. What you do about the anger is a choice, sure, but not so much its presence. Although you can lean into or out of emotions to gradually shift them – and I’m all for leaning out of anger when you can. It feels terrible! (But it does feel better than helplessness and self-loathing, which it often replaces.)
But as far as healing goes, a person can learn to get past pain most of the time, live well despite trauma history – this is how I define healing – without trying to force or shame themselves into how they ‘should’ feel. Not everybody will process their experiences the same way. So if deciding to forgive is a personal choice, then great. I think it can be a healthy one. But if it were an obligation, a moral or spiritual imperative, it would have no meaning at all.